Family is everything.

Just being around their periphery gives me the confidence to go for what I always wanted to reach for. I guess its just the comfort of knowing they'll be here at the end of the day.. I know  they are and will be wherever I am in the world, but its just nice having them close to me physically. Such comfort.... not to mention being home and the immense amt of comfort and ease that brings me.

It's just been so long since I truly felt like I've been home that the joy of this is weighing out everything else for now. Think I'll stay here for awhile.. keep myself happy. recharge myself a bit. it'd be nice.

I feel mildly depressed.

pms + finals + stress + post grad life stress + midlife crisis + homesickness= not the business.

I'm not in any way undermining the true reality of depression, but this whole quarter has been kind of a personal battle and fight with own self. I feel down. sad. helpless. and often useless.

I feel incredibly down right now. I miss surrounding myself with true valuable friends.. I miss sarah. I miss ben.. and god I miss my family. writing all this makes me want to cry my life away and maybe it'll be therapeutic... but im in the library trying to teach myself concepts and god, it all just makes everything worse.

I need to get myself out of this... on my own.

Ever feel like you were meant for so much more?

fuck.

Obstacles faced during finals

1.never ending craving to eat just about anything (partially from stress, more from looking for distraction - a good distraction would be food)
2.the first reason which leads to total failure of my diet
3.took an adderall that is strangely giving me a lot of tummy aches - or maybe its this new chrysanthemum tea im drinking..
4. im really friggin tired. (but i honestly wouldn't be this tired if I wasn't studying).
5. overwhelming antsiness time to time .
6. I'd rather even be working out right now than be studying
7. I think I got fatter.
8. I'm blogging to be distracted.
9. I have two finals tmrw and blogging instead of studying right now is not helping in studying either of em.
10. I miss my family
11. I miss my friends & boyfriend
12. I want to pinterest, watch movies, chill, figure my life out more than figure out this study guide.
13. I miss my family...
14. I'll stop talking now.

Approaching the final Finals week

After doing absolutely nothing today, I came to the library to feel some sense of productivity.. and it has led me here.
It's finally my last week of finals as an undergrad student... Seriously, where did all the time go? I think one of the most depressing thoughts I have had in the past years was genuinely wondering what. the. hell. I gained from this expensive institution..and thinkin that I just might have wasted my precious 4 years of life here - walking out with nothin but older age and an older face. Do I still feel like that ? a little. I think looking at all these famous and successful people who have accomplished so much at such a young age inevitably makes me compare myself to them and I can't help but feel like this institution has done nothing but just keep me here. lock up my creativity, challenge me to procrastinate even harder, and spend time trying to please people that didn't matter.

But I do feel older., and yes I do feel a bit wiser. but if life experience itself didn't do all those things on its own( college educated or not), that wouldn't be a God blessed life. I know he's blessing me in some way and leading me somewhere... just not sure where that is right now. .... esp when I can't get myself to study for these dumb little finals that are just tiny little milestones when looking at the big picture...the whole journey of my life. What's this C got to do with my future? what's this B- got to do with my happiness? I guess for now,... everything.