one things for sure

my life is really up .. to me.

homesick

so homesick its deteriorating

that you'd get me..

If it's unclear to everyone else in the world, I'm okay with that.
I don't need the mindless clutter and the chitchats that does not even come close to words I exchange with you.

But when you don't know my heart, it hurts.
I wish you just knew it - sometimes more than me.


... I guess I wish you'd get me- even when I'm far away.

sometimes I think about what I'm missing out on blah blah,
but really come to think of it,

there are only a handful of meaningful people in my life and they are those who will be there when I need a cup of tea over talking about my children and challenges I face as a parent.

and I am so blessed for that.

I got a chance to meet up with my childhood friend from kindergarten days to elementary days.. pretty much grew up together (only until 3rd grade.)

It was the craziest and weirdest (and the fastest) time spent in a really long time.
for me, it was like finding my past. facing it again.. because it's been such a long time, I forget sometimes that I was born in Seoul - grew up here, dug up dirts and built my home in the playgrounds, made my mark rollerbladin throughout the neighborhood.. I got my scars here  - the scars on my knees. Few times throughout the years I've visited the neighborhood, it felt the same, but it changed and I often felt like a different person .. like I can see the little girl version of myself walking around right in front of me- like it's hard to believe that's me .

but meeting with minsoo was surreal - his stories of me - his images of me, what he remembers from the past.. seeing my friend grown up and right in front of me, it was surreal. through his presence, I truly felt like my child self- like that little girl I've missed has been me this whole time. I can't explain it.. each time he said my name, I was her. I was her.

It's insane how much I have forgotten. I literally forgot everything and everyone but him and another friend of mine. I remember a few names, but I can hardly recall anything but a few moments that are quite insignificant.. I think moving to the united states was such a crazy concept for me to grasp at  a young age that while trying to adapt to a new life, I inevitably learned to forget the other. I had to - the life I loved so much, I had to let go in order to let a new one in. ..

and all of this reminds me once again, how much I have to lose to gain another.. like if I were to live in Korea, I'd have to let go of my life in Cali... if I want to live in Cali, I have to learn to let go of my korean life. but man, only if I could know how much each is worth... without experiencing it first.

struggles of an immigrant.

I need some sunshine and maybe a really nice drive

within the last twelve short hours,

1) I broke down in middle of a crowded ass cafe.
2) called him 3 times with the quite crappy cafe wifi
3) managed to fix 6 sentences in my grad school essays - not very sure if it made it better or worse
4) been so angry for scattering my own priorities
5) smoked 2 cigarettes  ( I don't smoke )
6) cursed 10 times
7) suppressed the urge to cry 4 times
8) felt lost the entire time.

fuck you relationships, I am very over you right now..
my head hurts.. think it was those cigarettes. damn you, korean cigarettes...

Yes I'm family oriented, love the hell out of children, adore every baby I lay my eyes on, and want to settle and get married to have family of my own.

but I want to succeed in life - go far , be independent and not have to rely on a guy to feel any sense of contentment and security. I never needed that until recently and as much as I love being in love, I despise it for what it takes away from me.

i mean come on, I'm 22.

Most selfish things in a relationship

1) hanging up after you only relay your feelings/ opinions.
2) you.
3) feeling our feelings in general.
4) me.

Get it together.

You're my rock and my redeemer.
You're the reason that I live
I desire to be a servant in your eyes
in your eyes..